


there you are

by ChiisaiYeager



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coming of Age, Drinking, Falling In Love, Growing Up Together, Implied Sexual Content, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Third Person, Road Trips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-27 03:21:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19782196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChiisaiYeager/pseuds/ChiisaiYeager
Summary: “We met at the wrong time. (...) Maybe one day, years from now, we'll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city and we could give it another shot. So until then, I'll just have to continue feeling this way everyday.”





	there you are

**Author's Note:**

> playlist: youtube.com/playlist?list=PLTHHdNmPFDNCka61zhAmxbbS2Dk4kr9OS
> 
> enjoy! :~)

Eren stares blankly at the menu in front of him, trying to make sense of the fancy names splayed across the dirty cardboard. He inhales, exhales, double checks the long list and ultimately decides that simplicity is in fact the key to success.

“Just—,” he breathes, “hot chocolate will do, please.” It’s a chilly February night after all. Moving into the city on impulse had its disadvantages, namely not packing the right choice of clothing for the northern weather. Eren brushes the thought aside before it can spiral into something deeper, heavier and steps to his right to pay for his drink.

It’s as he’s retrieving the change from the petite barista’s hand that he feels a strong and sturdy palm on the nape of his neck. The hand is hot against his cold skin as it squeezes slightly, making Eren jolt forward and instinctively turn to face the culprit. And he feels his heart sink, abruptly drop down to his feet and knock the breath out of his lungs.

“Hi,” the guy says and Eren is far too astonished to form any coherent words. “Jesus Christ, Eren. Don’t look at me like I’ve grown a second head.” And that voice shakes Eren down to the core, leaves him utterly dazed, makes him feel like a teenager again.

“Jean,” Eren forces out and is immediately met with a stern smile.  
  
“I’m glad you haven’t forgotten my name,” and how could he forget a name so deeply engraved on his heart? Eren’s head is rushing with a million thoughts, a million questions he wants to ask. Why? How? He senses his throat tighten and suddenly feels like crying. “Care to join me?”  
  
Eren opens his mouth to reply but is interrupted by the barista calling out his name. Picking up his drink, he averts his gaze and decides to offer a single nod. No matter what, no matter how many years go by, he never seems to be able to say no to Jean. He moves to the closest table and waits for Jean to order his own drink.  
  
“What the fuck,” Eren spits as Jean takes the seat in front of his. For a second, he’s distracted by the brownish tones of Jean’s drink. It’s the same drink Jean used to get back in the day, Eren recognises. _How pretentious_ , he thinks to himself. He feels the initial shock slowly being replaced by hints of accumulated anger. “What are you doing here?”  
  
“I was wondering the same, actually. Thought you didn’t like the city? You know, all the buzz and shit,” Jean leans back into his seat and sips on his Frappuccino. Eren clenches his fists under the table and wonders how Jean can look just so unaffected and unbothered. He feels the urge to get up and leave, turn his back on Jean just like he did three years ago. He wants nothing but to give him a small taste of his own medicine, yet he feels powerless to do so.  
  
“I don’t. I had to leave town.”

“Why?” Jean asks and Eren feels like laughing.  
  
“Why’d you care,” Eren’s voice comes out vicious, hurt, a bit resentful and silence falls upon the two of them as they stare blankly at each other. Jean takes a small breath and scans Eren’s face.  
  
“You really let your hair grow out, didn’t you?” the sudden unrelated comment leaves Eren confused, baffled at Jean’s rapid change of subject. He feels an unexpected heat spread under his cheeks and brings his hand to his face like he’s trying to hide from Jean’s gaze. Jean’s voice is coming out so soft and it makes him feel strangely calm. He looks at Jean through his fingers and sighs.  
  
“Your hair grew as well,” Eren wants to grab Jean’s shoulders and shake him, tell him to cut the bullshit and demand answers. He wants to know how to stop his heart from clenching so hard inside his chest.  
  
“Ah, yes. What’d you think?” Jean has the nerve to smile, proud of himself.  
  
“It looks like shit, as expected from you,” _it doesn’t_ , Eren thinks to himself. Jean rolls his eyes and combs his fingers through his hair. He looks good, and Eren knows Jean is more than aware of that. He thinks it fits Jean, makes him look mature and confident.  
  
“You haven’t changed a bit, Eren. It’s actually comforting,” Eren is ready to respond with a snarky _and you’ve gotten worse_ but is interrupted by a quick cough coming from Jean. “It looks nice. Your hair.” 

“T-thank you, I guess,” Eren mutters and silence fills the air between the two of them once again. This time however, the awkwardness makes Eren want to crawl out of his skin. It’s suffocating and they both know there’s a lot to say, a lot that should be said. They sip on their own drinks for a bit, watching people enter and leave the shop.  
  
“I had a lot of hope for us, you know?” Jean breaks the stillness.  
  
“Why’d you leave then?”  
  
“I hoped you’d to come with me.”  
  
Eren can’t help but laugh at that, a wave of bitterness rushing through his body. He throws his head back and groans. _This is pathetic_ , he tells himself. Eren didn’t expected Jean to give him a proper explanation, didn’t expect to find consolation and closure in his words, but offering such a lame excuse is hitting a new low. He wants to go home and sleep for an entire day.  
  
“Listen,” Eren hears Jean’s chair scrapping the floor and focuses his attention on the latter, “Connie and Sasha are coming to visit. In a few weeks,” Jean moves around the table and steps closer to Eren. He brings his hand to Eren’s chin and tilts his head up without hesitation. “You should come.”  
  
His grip is firm, reassuring, confident and it overwhelms Eren the same way it always used to back when they were young and naive. His touch grounds and calms Eren in a way he hasn’t experienced in years. He feels awestruck and a bit overwhelmed, taking a bit to process Jean’s invitation.  
  
“Hand me your phone,” Jean demands before Eren has the chance to come up with any sort of response. “Let me give you my number, so I can text you the details.”  
  
Eren complies, handing the phone over and watches as Jean adds his own number to his contacts. He’s infuriated. He wants to argue, fight, shout, let it all out, but Jean’s presences is strangely consoling to his wailing heart. The idea of meeting Jean again is reassuring, in a sense.

Jean returns the phone and turns around to leave. Eren guesses he can wait for Jean a bit longer. He always does.

~ ☾ ~

They meet on Armin’s 12th birthday. Eren is more than excited to meet Armin’s new neighbour. According to him, John— _or was it Josh?_ — is transferring to their school soon and is apparently very similar to Eren. They both play the same video games and think Charizard is the coolest Pokémon. Eren’s also told they have the same angry glare, but he’s a bit skeptical about that.

Up until the start of their first year of middle school, Eren’s childhood shenanigans consisted of him, Armin and Mikasa exploring their town, sneaking into Dr. Yeager’s basement to play with the expensive supplies and stealing some old and heavy books with puzzling and intriguing images to read. Transferring to a new school meant meeting new kids, making new friends and Eren is more than thrilled to spend the day with their new companions and celebrate his best friend’s birthday.

Eren figures this new kid is just another regular twelve year-old and hopes that maybe he’ll turn out to be a good Mario Kart adversary. What he doesn’t expect, however, is to find his best friend crying in the middle of the living room, holding a broken frame. Eren is quick to notice a picture of Armin and his parents from a couple of years ago lying on the ground, next to him.

“What happened?” Eren asks, rushing to his best friend’s side. He cups Armin’s face tenderly for a quick second, gazes into his teary eyes and then proceeds to help his sobbing friend pick up all the broken pieces of the frame.

“The ball hit it, a-accidentally,” Eren is suddenly aware of the lanky figure standing by the doorway, staring at the two of them while scratching his head. He knows right away who threw the ball and _oh_ does he feels angry. Eren’s ready to jump on the kid and demand answers, make him pay for the tears streaming down Armin’s face. He feels a pull on his shirt and it grabs his attention. “He didn't do it on p-purpose, Eren.”  
  
“I told you I’d buy you a new one,” _what a fucking douche_ , is Eren’s immediate response. He hates that this kid thinks he can fix things with money, that he can run away from his responsibilities and avoid being held accountable for hurting others.

“You think you can just replace it?” Eren gets up, walks up to the kid and raises his chin to make up for their heigh difference. He feels his blood starting to boil. More than anyone, Eren know how important and treasured those memories are to Armin. “At least apologise to him.”

“Who do you think you are? This isn’t about you and besides,” Jean takes a step forward, establishes a strong and dominating eye contact between the two of them, “it’s just a dumb picture.”

Eren doesn’t even sense his own hand clinching into a fist and flying straight into Jean’s cheek. He watches as Jean stumbles backwards and falls on his ass, his own hand reaching for his cheek to check on the caused damage. He takes a few second to register what just happened and shifts his attention back to kid. He gets up, sprints right into Eren and knocks the two of them down.

A crowd of kids gathers around them to witness the fight and Eren can hear Armin whimpering and telling them to quit it, to stop fighting over a misunderstanding. They’re rolling all over the floor, straddling each other’s hips and trying to gain control. Suddenly, Eren feels Jean grab a handful of his hair and pull hard on it.  
  
“Your hair,” Jean spits in between heavy pants, “is dirty. Go get it cut!”

“There’s nothing wrong with my hair! You idiot,” Eren groans, the struggle and exhaustion evident in his voice. He feels Jean pull even harder on his hair and Eren proceeds to knock their foreheads together. He takes advantage of Jean’s momentary daze to shift their positions.

“Your hair looks ridiculous,” Eren looks down at Jean lying under him and grabs his writs to hold him in place. “Stupid haircut. Did a monkey cut it for you?

That seems to make something snap inside of Jean and Eren feels his back hit the wooden floor once again. He’s expecting a punch to his guts when finally, he feels Jean being pulled away from him as adults rush to separate the two of them. He looks around for Armin and finds his best friend still sitting on the floor, trying to fix the broken frame and whipping his tears away.

Armin’s grandfather is quick to call Eren’s parents and inform them about the incident. They come to pick their kid up and once they’re in their car, Carla gives Eren a serious lecture. The three of them discuss Eren’s reasoning behind the fight and his mother argues that he should have been more considerate of Armin’s feelings. According to her and despite Eren’s genuine intentions, his impulsiveness might have distressed Armin even further.  
  
Eren feels shameful about his insensitivity, he reconsiders his own actions and takes his mother’s advice into consideration but _how dare he talk about Armin’s parents like that?_ Once he gets home, he calls Armin and apologises for the fight. He’s told once again that Jean meant no harm and that he also called him to apologise. Despite everything, Armin is glad he got to spend his birthday with his friends. He finishes the call by thanking Eren for standing up for him and for his late parents and that eases Eren’s heart a bit.

The following Monday, a new student is introduced to their class. Eren is so busy reading his new comic book that he doesn’t even notice the kid walking in and standing in front of the black board. He doesn’t look up until a familiar voice speaks up.  
  
“I’m Jean. Nice to meet everyone,” Eren immediately recognises the _dumb, dumb, so fucking dumb_ haircut, the bruise on his left cheek and the tiny cut on his lip. They make eye contact for a brief second and Eren can feel his stomach flip. Jean notices him as well and his eyebrow twitches. He shifts his gaze away and scans the entire classroom, ignoring Eren completely. He feels a rush of anger flowing through his body.  
  
“Eren! It’s Jean, from Armin’s party!” Connie whispers and Eren feels his friend poke his ribs mockingly. “Guess it’s your lucky day.”

And Connie looks so smug and satisfied with this new development, like a child who just got a new toy for Christmas. _How dare Connie find this funny after what that idiot did to Armin?_ Eren is baffled when his friend practically shouts a decisive _come sit with us!_ in Jean’s direction.  
  
Eren is screwed. Utterly screwed.

~ ☾ ~

Jean is surprised and a bit startled when he checks his phone after taking a shower, later that day. He looks at the screen and finds two text notifications from Eren. Jean didn’t want to pressure Eren into anything he didn’t feel comfortable with, deciding to wait for Eren to text him first. He opens the texts and reads a single _H_ , followed by a _*Hi, when’s the dinner?_

He messages Eren the date of their planned reunion and his address. Three weeks from now, Connie and Sasha are coming to coming to visit, and Jean is content Eren is now part of their plan. For the first time in a while, Jean feels like he has something to look forward to. Eren immediately replies with a thumbs up emoji, and Jean writes a simple _thank you_ in return.

Jean hopes Eren understands what he’s really thanking him for. He wants to thank Eren for listening, for taking his invitation into consideration, for giving them a chance to meet again, even after what he did, even if Jean doesn’t deserve any of it.

Jean knows he fucked up, he knows he needs to do more, much more. He knows that, at the end of the day, he doesn’t deserve Eren, his presence, his concern and attention, but he can’t help but wish for all of it. He can’t help but hold on to every single chance he gets to be with Eren, to long for what they used to have and chase for more.

Jean was a bit unsure about inviting Eren at first, so rashly and on such impulse. _Why would he say yes?_ , he asked himself. However, he’s glad he managed to build up the courage to do so. He hopes they can spend a nice time together, that Eren can have fun. Jean knows Eren hasn’t seen Sasha and Connie since their graduation three years ago, so he can’t help but feel happy and excited as well.

Jean doesn’t even realise he has been sitting wet and half naked on his bed, staring at his phone with a dumb smile on his face for the past fifteen minutes. He decides to call Sasha and tell her about their new guest, explaining their sudden meeting earlier. She freaks out a bit, sounds so happy and delighted. Jean can hear Connie in the background whistling and cheering as well.

After Sasha calms down, she asks Jean if the two of them made up. Jean explains they didn't get to talk much but he’s happy he gets to be with him again. He plans on making things right, and Sasha knows he means it.

“I have a lot to tell him, you know,” he hears Sasha hum in agreement on the other side of the line. “He looked healthy, he grew up a lot,” Jean feels his heart flutter a bit, he wants to see Eren again already. Jean falls asleep with a smile on his face that night. For the first time in years, he doesn’t feel as empty.

Jean feels ridiculously nervous throughout the entire afternoon before their reunion. Connie and Sasha arrive earlier to help Jean out with the preparations and their relentless teasing doesn’t help his nerves the slightest. He wonders why he’s putting so much effort into cleaning his place when he’s so used to having people over. He notices his two friends sharing knowing glances between each other every so often and laughing like they know something Jean doesn’t.

Jean gets a text from Eren saying he’s almost there and Jean suddenly feels extra agitated. He wonders why he’s getting so worked up, _it’s not like you’re trying to impress Eren or anything_ , he reminds himself. He unlocks the building’s entrance door, hopes no one notices how his palms are sweating a bit. Soon enough and as expected, there’s a knock on the door and Sasha runs to open it.

Eren looks a bit surprised and frightened as Sasha envelops him in a strong hug. Jean notices Eren isn’t wearing his typical dirty sneakers and that it looks like he actually put some effort into his outfit. He wonders why he still remembers Eren’s clothing choices. Connie comes rushing from behind him and joins Sasha and Eren’s hug.

“It’s been so long, man,” Connie states as he pets Eren’s back.

Eren makes eye contact with Jean has he lets go of Connie and Sasha, and Jean is filled with anxiety. He doesn’t know what to do, how to react.

“Hi,” Eren breathes out and he feels his friends’ eyes on him, watching his every move. Jean can feel the tension in the air, everyone knows what happened between the two of them.

“I’m glad you came,” Jean hopes he doesn’t sound like a douche. Eren responds with a single nod and awkward silence fills the room. Sasha hears Jean’s silent scream for help and grabs Eren’s arm, pulling him towards the kitchen.  
  
“Come help me set the table,” Jean watches as the two of them leave. Connie’s hand falls on his shoulder, catching his attention.

“You have to talk to him about what happened. I know it bothers you as well, but he’s here now. He wouldn’t have come if he didn’t want to. You know him better than any of us, so don’t worry,” Connie’s words allow Jean to relax a bit. He knows he’s thinking too hard, and he knows this might be his only chance to make things right.

He can hear Eren and Sasha in the kitchen laughing and it comforts him a lot, warms his heart. He missed that laugh a lot. It makes him wish he hadn’t let it go so easily and had cherished it a lot more, treasured it for longer.

They sit on the dining table to eat and Connie ask Eren about Armin and Mikasa. He says he hasn’t been talking to them very often recently, since they both left town to pursue their goals as well, but points out Armin is studying Politics and Mikasa is training to join the Air Force. Jean notes a glint in Eren’s eyes as he explains. He sounds honest and genuinely proud of his friends.

Sasha tells Eren about hers and Connie’s adventures, how the two of them plan on traveling the world together. They arrived from Canada a few days ago and are planning on visiting Taiwan next, taking some time to relax and visit Jean. Sasha also discloses that Jean, after coming to the city to study music, settled down once he got a deal with the local orchestra. He plays the violin and helps compose some original pieces for them.  
  
“Your parents must be proud, Jean!” Connie cheers as he raises his glass. Jean glances at Eren and watches as his expression falls. He knows this topics hits close to home to both of them, he knows Eren is feeling as uncomfortable and uneasy as he is. “What about you, Eren?”

“Oh, I—,” Eren shifts a bit in his seat, “I didn’t come to do anything in specific. I’m working with kids in my free time, though. There’s this charity centre, I take care of them and teach them martial arts. Judo and Kickboxing, mainly.”

Jean notices as Eren brings his hand to his mouth and starts biting on his nails. He remembers it as something Eren used to do when he got anxious and insecure, back when they were teenagers. Despite telling Eren to quit it, Jean always found it endearing and cute. He guesses old habits die hard. 

Jean knows better than to push Eren to talk about something he doesn’t want to. Over the years, he has learned to respect Eren’s boundaries as much as he has respected his own.

“But we’re really glad you’re here now,” Sasha comments and her dorky laugh echoes in the room. “Jean called us freaking out, telling us he’d randomly bumped into you.”

Jean is mortified, absolutely confounded. He doesn’t remember their call going that way at all. He looks at Eren, ready to defend himself when he sees Eren looking down, smiling to himself. He doesn’t blame himself. Deep down, he knows Eren has always had a big impact on him.

They talk about random stuff, recall memories from their school days and comment on old teachers. Connie mentions their first meeting at Armin’s birthday party and Jean watches as Eren blushes out of embarrassment. Jean blushes back on instinct and Sasha finds it the most amusing thing in the entire world.

“You two are still the same cuties.”  
  
They all agree to go out after they’ve finished eating. As they’re getting ready to leave, Jean spots Eren struggling with his jacket. He helps him put it on and gets a bit flustered when he realises how close they are. Eren avoids making eye contact with him and Jean feels his chest get warm. Eren mumbles a soft _thank you_ and Jean allows his hand to linger on Eren’s arm for a bit longer than necessary.

~ ☾ ~

Jean realises he’s in love with Eren at a New Year’s Eve party. Jean and his group of friends are fifteen and decide to celebrate the night at Eren’s house. Apparently, Eren’s parents are out for the weekend to enjoy the night on their own, leaving the house vacant.

Zeke took it upon himself to invite all of Eren’s closest friends, thinking his younger brother would appreciate the surprise. Jean can tell Eren’s a bit bashful about it. They’ve known each other for about three years now, and even though they started off on a bad note, they’ve grown a lot into one another.

It started with Connie forcing them to sit next to each other in every class and inviting Jean to all of their friend meetings. They got used to getting paired up in Physical Education due to their passion and competitiveness, learning how to work together as a team. During those times, Jean also got to learn about Eren, about the little details that make him who is he is.

Eren’s actually a really good student, Jean notes. He works harder than everyone else to improve himself, to surpass his weaknesses and mistakes. He’s very defensive and protective when it comes to his family and his favourite dish is his mom’s stew. The two of them always get stuck while arm wrestling, and Eren has been wearing the same dirty sneakers for the past year. Eren’s teeth are slightly crooked and he bites his nails when he’s nervous.

Jean notices how Eren always brings his nails to his teeth before exams, before his parents come to school to talk about his grades with their teachers, and before they play against Reiner’s team.

Eren’s fingers are sometimes a bit bloody and bear small cuts, and Jean finds himself wanting to hold Eren’s hand back, tell him to stop hurting himself, check if he’s okay and maybe intertwine their fingers together.

He finds himself watching Eren a lot more than what he’d expect and what he’d consider normal for sworn rivals like them. He gets called out a lot during his violin classes for losing focus, but Jean would never admit he’s a bit distracted thinking about Eren. At first, it irked Jean. A lot. But, for some reason, he grew quite found of all those little habits of Eren’s.

On the other hand, Jean also notices how Eren seems to be way too close to Armin. He notices how the two of them hold hands under the table when they think no one is watching, how they always share their lunch and spend their holidays together. He decides to ask Ymir about it and immediately curses his poor judgment.

“Why’d you ask, Jean? Don’t tell me,” Ymir bursts out laughing and Jean asks himself why on earth he’d put himself in this situation, “you’re jealous? Is it Armin or Eren? I always knew you’d swing that way.”

“It just annoys me,” Jean feels his heart beat faster in his chest, feels a spur of butterflies in his tummy. He’s suddenly extremely aware of something he hasn’t thought of before, of something he hadn’t yet realised.

“Whoever it is, you don’t have to worry. Their friendship is pretty platonic. They’ve been like that since they were kids, according to Mikasa.”

Jean thinks about their conversation over and over again as they’re waiting for the year to end while Eren spends most of the night stuck in his bedroom doing God knows what. Later, all of them sit on the living room’s floor playing truth or dare with Zeke, who seems to be enjoying this way more than any of them.

Ymir keeps glancing over to Jean, greeting him with a mischievous smile every time. She’s the one who unexpectedly dares all the boys to try some make up on. Everyone seems to find the idea amusing, even Annie has a playful glint in her eyes. Jean thinks he should have stayed at home instead.

Jean reluctantly ends up with some smudged yellow eyeshadow and Connie doesn’t miss the chance to snap several pics of his friend in different angles. Jean is tired, confused, too distracted with his own thoughts to play along. He ends up moving to the balcony, craving some alone time.

What he doesn’t expect is for Eren to burst through the glass door a couple minutes later. Eren is wearing red lipstick and trying to clean it off with his own sleeve.

“Trying to escape?” Jean deadpans and opts to stare at the night sky.

“Yeah,” Eren walks closer to him. He keeps trying to cleanse his skin, “I hate this.”

“You look good in red,” Jean bursts out. It’s a simple and plain compliment but he’s suddenly reminded of Ymir’s words. He feels his cheeks heat up and looks at Eren, ready to take the compliment back. Instead, he’s met with a very confused looking Eren. “The lipstick!”

“Oh!” Eren copies his blush, and Jean can’t help but think it matches the red on his lips. He can’t bring himself to stop staring. “To hear that from you…”

They remain in silence after that, appreciating each other’s company and admiring the night sky. Jean likes this feeling. Despite the loud noises coming from inside, he feels like the two of them are alone in this world.

They hear everyone start the countdown and Jean doesn’t know what to do next. He looks over to Eren and finds that Eren is already looking at him. He looks pensive, like he’s considering something. Jean can tell by the apparent tension in Eren’s eyebrows that he’s up to no good. Normally, he’d tell Eren to stop being such a stuck up and enjoy the night, but he feels oddly anxious.

Eren looks like he’s finally come to a conclusion and stares up at Jean with a glint in his eyes. Jean is too preoccupied with the way Eren takes a step closer to even recall his friends cheering, reaching the end of the countdown. Eren’s goes on his tip toes as he leaves a chaste kiss on Jean’s cheek.

“Happy new year, fucker,” Eren pulls back and he looks so complacent. He leaves the balcony and joins Armin and Mikasa, hugging them.

He feels like his mind goes blank for a second, brings his hand to his cheek to feel the ghost of Eren’s touch. If Jean was doubtful before, he was certain now. He knows what to call this feeling, he knows the meaning behind his rushed heartbeat. He bumps into Historia and Ymir later that night when he’s making his way to the bathroom.

“Why do you have lipstick on your cheek,” Historia asks. Jean knows he has been caught the moment he feels Ymir’s arm wrap around him.

“So, it’s Eren!”

“S-shut up.”

~ ☾ ~

The four of them take the subway downtown and make their way to the bar. Sasha and Connie walk a bit in front of them, talking about random crap as Eren and Jean slow down a bit behind, next to each other.

Eren keeps glancing at Jean from the corner of his eye and Jean allows himself to take pride in it. He looks good tonight, after all. Eren feels happy and his eyes look so full of life. Jean feels a bit entranced by it. Deep down, he hopes he’s somehow responsible for Eren’s contentment.

“This is nice,” Eren can hear the nostalgia in his own voice. He looks back at Jean, who looks a bit surprised about the sudden confession. He stares at the duo in front of them.

“I’m really glad you decided to come. I didn’t expect you to even want to see my face again,” Jean confesses.  
  
“I wasn’t sure about it either,” Eren explains, sending a smile in Jean’s direction, “but I’m also glad I did. You’re not forgiven, thought. If that’s what you’re thinking.”

Eren watches as Jean pouts a bit and furrows his eyebrows. Eren wants to sound serious but he can’t help but let his smile grow. He hides his smirk in the collar of his jacket. They arrive at the bar and Eren holds the door for Jean, who in return murmurs a soft _what a gentleman_.

Connie is quick to order shots for the four of them. Apparently, he knows the owner of the bar, so the drinks are on the house for tonight. Eren sits right next to Jean and secretly relishes the feeling of the latter’s body against his. He definitely needs a drink, right now.

Connie proposes some dumb drinking games as Eren drinks more and more. He can’t seem to pay much attention to them. He thinks about the current situation, about the million things he wants to ask, about everything he has to tell Jean. His mind is clouded with _Jean_ , _Jean_ , _Jean_ , and despite knowing he should be feeling angry, Eren prefers to let his head fall on Jean’s shoulder and hope everything becomes a bit clearer.

Sasha, nearly as drunk, asks Eren where he’s staying at the moment.

“I’m staying at my brother’s,” Eren answers with no inhibitions, “it’s tiny, but it works for the two of us.” Eren is usually a heavy drinker but tonight feels different. He doesn’t care at this point, he decides to open up.

“Why now, though?” Connie asks and Eren feels Jean’s body psychically tense besides his.

“Grisha kicked me out, he had a relapse,” Eren confesses and everyone goes instantaneity quiet. Eren notices the sudden change in their behaviour and it makes him feel a bit awkward, shameful. He blames himself.

“Shit dude—,”

“It’s okay,” Eren interrupts Connie. He closes his eyes and finally gives up. He leans further into Jean’s body, closing the gap between his face and the crook of Jean’s neck. He feels warm and safe knowing he finally has a shoulder he can lean on, like old times.

Eren feels Jean’s hand rest on his thigh, right above his knee and squeeze a bit in reassurance. He zones out a bit, Jean tries to chance topics and his voice vibrates against him. Eren falls asleep against Jean for a bit.

The night goes on without any further accidents. Eren wakes up and gets up to go to the toilet, losing his balance a bit. Jean holds him by the arm, telling him someone has to make sure he won’t fall on his ass. Eren jokes about Jean being as clingy as ever.

They make their way to the closest toilet and Jean waits for Eren outside. Once he’s done, he tells Jean he wants to get some fresh air and leads the two of them to the bar’s courtyard. He stumbles a bit more and Jean leans the two of them against a wall.

“On a scale from one to ten, how drunk are you, really?”

“Sober enough to know I don’t need a caretaker,” Eren looks up at Jean. “I’m not a kid anymore, you know?  
  
“You’re acting like one.”  
  
“That’s because of you,” Eren feels his heart skip a beat as he realises what just came out of his mouth.

“I’m flattered,” Eren hates how satisfied Jean sounds. He tilts his head back against the wall and stares blankly at the sky above them. He closes his eyes, inhales the cold air and sobers up a bit. Eren warps his arms around himself, suddenly extra conscious about the situation.

“You okay?” Jean asks. Eren doesn’t know the answer to that question, either. He tried to push his emotions aside for the night, forget about the hurt and the pain and enjoy this time with his old friends. For his, Jean, Sasha and Connie’s sake. He wants to fight, wants to seek closure and forgiveness, but he also wants to relive that thrill and ecstasy only Jean can grant him. Eren looks up at the man in front of him and tells himself it’s okay to be a bit greedy.

“You left to go learn music,” Eren blurts out. Jean makes a pause, reconsidering what to say.  
  
“And you came to find me.”

“Selfish bastard,” Eren says and brings his hands to Jean’s face, strokes his goatee. At the end of the day, he’ll always resent Jean a bit for the years he spent alone, for all the sleepless nights. Eren spent a lot of time cursing himself, cursing Jean and cursing the entire world for how things ended between the two of them.

For years, Eren held a grudge against the universe for being stuck in that shit town, with his shit life, for having to watch Jean go live his own, wishing to be by his side but being unable to do so. But Eren wants to be selfish, too. He wants to allow himself to be happy for a bit, wants to believe he’s worthy of happiness.

And so, he steps closer to Jean, brings his own lips to his. A wave of longing, remorse and yearning hits him. Jean’s lips feel the exact same as they did when they were teenagers, solid and stable against him. They kiss just like they always used to. Hot, hectic and ambitious. This is how they act, how they speak, how they love.

Eren can feel Jean’s hand come to rest on his ribs and _oh_ , how Eren has missed those heavy hands on him. Eren feels like he’s dreaming. He opens his eyes to make sure he’s still awake and is met with Jean’s long lashes. He really likes this sight. Eren takes control of the kiss and shifts their positions so that Jean’s back is pressing against the wall. They disconnect.

“Shit, Eren,” Jean sounds breathless and Eren wants more. He doesn’t want this to stop, he doesn’t want to go back to worrying and constraining himself. He tugs on Jean’s arm and drags him back inside. He finds Sasha and Connie and tells them they’re leaving. The two of them look baffled at first, but then Sasha smirks and proudly announces Connie owes her five bucks. Jean’s hand envelopes his, Eren doesn’t question it and lets himself be guided out of the bar.

They call a cab and make it back to Jean’s apartment. Eren wants nothing but to attach himself to Jean’s flushed skin, choosing to attack his neck. Jean grabs Eren’s hips as the shorter of the two bites his skin lightly, letting his tongue taste the skin between Jean’s neck and shoulder.

Jean’s fingers roam through the hem of Eren’s shirt and slip under the fabric, caressing the hot skin on Eren’s toned tummy. Eren feels a bit out of breath, overwhelmed with such a simple action.

They move to Jean’s bedroom, a part of the house Eren didn’t get the chance to see earlier in the evening. Eren lets himself be lain on Jean’s bed, tender and carefully. A soft whimper escapes his lips as Jeans body comes crashing softly yet prominently into his.

They fumble with their clothes for a bit. Eren feels nervous and clumsy. He feels like they’re kids again, experimenting and discovering each other’s bodies. It’s messy, feverish and rushed, but they’ve both been craving this for far too long. That’s how they’ve always been. Passionate, nerdy, awkward, a bit irresponsible. Eren doesn’t want to waste time.

Eren tries to undo Jean’s belt and realises he’s way more nervous and lost in lust than what he expected. His hands are shaking, he struggles to get rid of the belt. Jean notices, his own hand coming to rest over Eren’s.

“Breath, I’m not going anywhere. Not anymore,” and Eren believes him. No matter how many years go by, Jean’s touch will always anchor, ground him. Eren thinks Jean will always be the reassurance and comfort he needs and seeks for. He doubts anyone will ever be capable of calming his nerves so effortlessly and naturally. Eren spirals, loses himself in his own thoughts and worries, but Jean is his impulse control. And Eren doesn’t mind it, at all.

Jean undoes Eren’s jeans and gets rid of the remaining clothing on them. He kisses Eren, strong and heavy once again and lets Eren’s head fall back against the pillow. Eren wants to enjoy this moment and savour every second of it, so he allows Jean do what he pleases, to take control. He looks up at Jean with lustful lidded eyes.

Eren senses Jean is about to say something and stops him with another kiss. Eren is on cloud nine, he really did miss this. This is the body he knows so damn well, the body he learned to admire and cherish through so many years, the body he has chosen to bare himself to.

They indulge in each other, make out for what feels like hours upon hours until Jean disentangles their limbs and gets up to get something from the bathroom. Once he comes back, Jean pokes Eren’s bare thighs like he’s asking for permission to continue. He settles between his legs and focuses his attention on the man lying on his bed. He leaves a quick peck on Eren’s knee and smiles down at him.

Eren reaches his hand to Jean’s hair and pulls him down so that their chests are pressing against each other, sharing the heat. They kiss and Eren settles with petting Jean’s hair for a bit. Jean lets his hand wander down Eren’s body until it lands where Eren wants it the most.  
  
“I missed you,” Jean murmurs airily into his skin, leaves a kiss on his neck. Eren links his fingers with Jean’s. Perhaps and even though Eren doesn’t want to admit it to himself, he feels at home in Jean’s arms.

~ ☾ ~

Eren confesses his feelings, for the first time in his entire life, when he’s seventeen. Jean fails miserably to understand what’s going on and inevitably ends up ruining the whole thing, _like the asshole he is_.

It’s a boys night, Eren and all of his friends are sleeping over at Reiner’s. They’re playing video games, eating junk food and, as expected, talking about girls. Connie mocks Bert for his obvious crush on Annie and Reiner teases Jean about his old obsession over Mikasa.

“That was a phase,” and Eren knows Jean means it, but he can’t help but feel his heart clench a bit. He shifts closer to Armin, seeking for comfort and eats a mouthful of peanuts. It’s been a while since Eren, with a little bit of help on Mikasa and Armin’s side, came to terms about feelings towards Jean.

Throughout high school, the two of them matured a lot. They grew up together, learned about each other and Eren couldn’t help but fall, gradually but sharp and intensely. It’s intoxicating, magnetic even. Jean draws Eren in, traps him in his orbit like Eren belongs there. He feels a little bit less lost in the universe when he’s by Jean’s side.

Entering adulthood also made Eren realise stuff he hadn’t before, stuff he hadn’t yet acknowledged. He likes Jean’s face, _a lot_. He likes the dumb hair, Jean’s striking voice and enigmatic gaze. Eren daydreams about holding and being held closely to Jean’s chest, getting to burry his nose in the taller’s hair and revel in its scent. Sometimes, he wakes up in the middle of the night, heated and foggy, knowing his blood has rushed elsewhere.

Eren is particularly infatuated with Jean’s big palms and long fingers, the way they hold Eren’s face when Jean is trying to cheer him up, the way they feel against his skin, the way they move. Seeing Jean play the violin in their free time no longer bored and peeved him. Eren has learned to cherish those moments, satisfied with watching and hearing Jean out as he explains how to correctly tune the instrument.

And Eren? Eren loves Jean. He loves Jean so _goddamn_ much. Above all, Eren loves the way Jean treats him as his equal. He knows they bring out the best out of each other, he knows they trust and respect one another with their hearts. Eren is in love. Hook, line and sinker.

Armin tells Eren he has made it more than obvious. After a certain party, a couple years ago, their relationship had shifted, morphed. Everyone seemed to notice how trivial fights became mutual agreements, how harsh bumps grew into prolonged and delicate grips. Everyone, except Jean.

“What about you, Eren?” _speak of the devil_ , Eren’s train of thought is interrupted by Jean throwing a gummy bear into his face, “You know Annie has the hots for you.”  
  
“Don’t care,” he really doesn’t. Eren can hear a bit of anger in is own voice. He feels Armin squeeze his knee and, when he looks up, his friend offers him a comforting smile. He always knows what’s going through Eren’s mind, “about girls.” Eren elaborates. It’s not news to anyone at this point, anyways.

“I mean,” Jean immerses Eren in a neck grip, pulling him away from Armin and onto his chest. Armin yelps and Jean chuckles, “that’s only natural, when you have someone like me around.”  
  
Eren knows Jean is just messing around, _he has to be_. He knows that Jean means no harm but it still hurts a bit. At the end of the day, it’s always going to be a joke in Jean’s eyes and it utterly infuriates Eren.

“Maybe if you weren’t so up your own ass, you’d have realised it by now,“ Eren spits, blinded by frustration and immediately wishes he could take it back.  
  
Everything stops, palpable silence filling the room. Eren feels every single eye in the room on him, awaiting for his reaction. Jean notices the hasty spotlight shift towards Eren and lets go of him. He looks around and turns to face the other.

“W-what is going on here? Why are you so red?” Jean demands, flustering.

Eren’s face feels like it’s on fire. Everyone expects him to say something and it’s asphyxiating. Eren rises up crudely. He mumbles a quick _bathroom_ and leaves the room, just like that.

Everyone stares blankly at Jean for a minute, absorbed in the exchange between the two. Jean is perplexed, his mind storming. He thinks about the implications of Eren’s confession, of the meaning hidden in his words. His heart is beating a thousand miles an hour but the voice in the back of his head tells him it must be joke, _no way Eren meant that_.

Eren comes back soon, lies on his side and doesn’t acknowledge Jean’s existence for the rest of the night.  
  
Days go by without a single interaction between the two boys. Jean takes it as confirmation that he must have misunderstood the whole ordeal. _Eren didn’t mean it. It was a joke_. Nothing else.

A month later, Jean gets a text from Armin, telling him Eren’s parents were in the hospital after a car crash. It’s way past midnight but he instantly runs out of his house, his mind screaming for Eren. He runs, their town is small and there’s only one hospital so Jean hopes he can make it on time.

Eren is sitting on an old bench right outside of the operation room, his head in between his knees and his fists clenched around his own hair. When Eren hears his name being called out from the end of the corridor, he looks up to find a red faced Jean, gasping for air and looking nothing but terrified.

“Jean? What are you doing here?” Eren barely has any strength to speak. Jean strides towards him and Eren feels like he has been punched in the guts.

“They told me the room number,” Jean stands in front of Eren. He looks like he doesn’t know what to do with his own hands, “Armin texted me.”

“Well, you can go home now,” _this is the worst_ , Eren thinks. “They said they’ve both stabilised, so,” Eren feels so small. He doesn’t want Jean to look at him like that, like he’s his charity case. This is the last thing he needs right now.

Jean stays still for a second, looking at Eren. He clenches his fists harder, until he feels the skin burn.

“Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry, Eren,” Jean breaks the silence and brings one of his hands to Eren’s face. He doesn’t even realise he has been crying until Jean brings his thumb to Eren’s face to wipe the tears away. He feels embarrassed. Jean’s other hand comes to rest upon his own, unclenching his fists. “You’re shaking. Are you okay?”  
  
“Of course I’m not okay! You can leave now, Jean,” Eren’s voice reflects evident hurt. He doesn’t want to look at Jean’s face right now. He jerks his hands away and pushes Jean back a bit.  
  
Jean, however, steps forward once again and envelopes Eren in a hug. He tries to push Jean away but fails, the embrace only getting stronger and stronger. It’s awkward, stiff and Eren can smell Jean’s sweat on his t-shirt. Jean mumbles a _stop fucking moving_ into his hair and Eren does.

It takes Eren five seconds before he breaks down, lets it all out. He sobs, cries, groans into Jean’s hug. He’s shaking even harder now, but Jean holds him tighter. There’s snot and tears everywhere and their limbs are getting numb but, despite everything, this is what Eren needed. This is what Eren is all about, expressing his emotions with his body, relying on physical contact to grant him safety. He’s glad this is the response Jean chose to give him. Like this, he feels open to Jean. There’s nothing to hide, nothing he needs to fake.

They hug for what feels like an eternity until Eren has to pull back to take a deep breath. He looks down at his lap and Jean sits next to him. Jean notices Eren is still a bit shaky and slowly lets his hand fall over Eren’s on his lap, intertwining their fingers together. Eren thinks this definitely isn’t the right place to be feeling like he has a thousand butterflies in his stomach.

“You said they’ve stabilised?” Eren feels Jean’s eyes glued to the side of his face.  
  
“Y-yeah, they’re going to be okay,” Eren inhales, exhales, gathers the courage to finally look at Jean. “How did you get here?”

“I ran,” Jean confesses and Eren laughs breathlessly. For the first time that night, he feels something. He lets his head fall on Jean’s shoulder and falls asleep.

They wait in the corridor for hours, holding each other’s hand and falling in and out of sleep. By the time the clock hits six in the morning, Eren’s brother stalks through the door. Zeke reaches for Eren immediately, they hug and hold each other. He explains he took the night bus to come back home from university when he got Eren’s phone call.

Zeke spots Jean and moves to hug him as well. Eren eavesdrops Zeke whispering a soft _thank you_ to Jean before letting go.

Zeke tells Eren to go eat something, reassuring his younger brother that he’ll stay there, waiting for any news and will message Eren instantly if anything happens. He gives the two of them some cash and Eren reluctantly agrees.

It’s early in the morning and the streets are empty. They walk to the nearest convenience store and buy the cheapest cookie bag and chocolate milk carton they can find. They sit outside on the concrete floor, their legs splayed across the empty road and eat their cookies.

“I’m sorry about the other day,” Jean grumbles. “I didn’t know how to react.”

“I’m sorry I freaked out and ran away,” Eren looks in Jean’s direction. He thinks Jean looks handsome, sunrise light crossing his face, messy hair and clothes, a soft blush.

Jean coughs. “You know I’ve been into you since middle school, right?” Jean confesses and Eren feels like he might die. “Are we on the same page?”  
  
Eren pretends to consider it for a bit. _Of course we are_ , he thinks. But actions speak louder than words. He grabs Jean’s face and leans forward. It’s his first kiss, probably Jean’s as well and Eren couldn’t be any happier they’re sharing this moment with each other, imprinting it on their memories. It’s sloppy and demanding, so full of emotion and fervour. They press closer and forget how to breath.

“You’re not that bad, after all. Thank you,” Eren babbles against Jean’s lips, “for everything.”

~ ☾ ~

Jean wakes up feeling his arm extremely numb and a heavy height on his chest. He looks over and spots Eren’s head resting on his arm. Both of Eren’s arms are wrapped around Jean’s torso. He closes his eyes, relaxes into the sheets and thinks about last night’s events. He glances over at Eren once again and smiles to himself. He runs his free hand through Eren’s hair.

Jean grabs his phone to text Connie and ask if the two of them made it back to their hotel safely and is surprised to find seven messages from the duo. He reads a couple of drunk _good luck’_ s and random cheers. One particular text from Sasha catches his attention, she’s asking for details and thanking him for making her win their bet.

Jean concludes they’re safe and sound, and decides to ignore the messages. He puts his phone down and turns towards Eren, this time allowing himself to get lost in the sight of his partner. And he can’t get enough of it. Eren is, in short, the most beautiful person Jean has ever laid his eyes upon. He’s handsome, masculine, strong yet slender. His features are sharp, bright golden eyes, long soft dark hair splayed across the white sheets, slightly swollen lips from their kissing, a tiny scar on his forehead and a hickey right above his collarbones. In his heart, Eren will always be the most precious appearance.

He shifts his body a bit so he’s pressing closer to Eren and plants a kiss against his lips with his entire force, immediately waking Eren up. Eren’s instant reflex is to punch Jean on his shoulder and try to break free, but once he realises what is happening, he completely _melts_ into their kiss.

Jean feels Eren trying to speak against his lips, so he deepens the kiss to shut him up. Eren’s solution is to bite Jean’s lip, hard. Jean is so startled he hits his head against the headboard and Eren takes the opportunity to shift their positions and straddle Jean’s hips.

“I said,” Eren starts and Jean is acutely aware of their still very much naked bodies pressing together, “I can’t breath.” Eren looks down at Jean for a bit and then lounges forward to kiss him once again, latching onto Jean’s lip with his teeth. They make out lazily for a while, stopping to mock each other and flirt.

Jean gets up to get some food for the two of them and when he comes back there’s a clear change in the mood. Eren’s shoulders are slumped forward and he’s looking down, legs crossed and hands fumbling with the sheets. Jean sets the cereal bowls aside and sits next to Eren. Both of them know this conversation has to be held.

“You know,” Eren starts, focusing his gaze on the edge of the bed, “you can’t just fix everything with make up sex, Jean.”

Jean knows, he knows it more than anyone that this isn’t going to fix things. He knows that he owes Eren so much more and he can’t expect to be forgiven that easily. He wants to take all that pain away from Eren, atone for the past.

“Say something,” Eren demands, but Jean feels like he’s suffocating. Eren finally stares back at him after a minute of silence. “Fuck you, Jean.”

Eren jerks forward to get up from bed but Jean grabs his arm and pulls him back.

“Fuck _you_ , Eren! You’re not the only one who’s hurt,” Jean searches for Eren’s eyes and hopes he’s willing to wear him out. Eren doesn’t protest, looks at Jean with those bright eyes and Jean feels a bit of reassurance. “I wouldn’t have left if I’d kn—,”

“You did, thought. You left when I was at my lowest, after I told you about my dad. You left me wondering what had gone wrong, what I could have done. And it was shit,” Eren pauses to take a deep breath, “having to wake up feeling miserable every day.”

“I didn’t want to be alone either, Eren. That’s why I told you to come with me. I wanted to be with you, more than anything. But you slammed the goddamn door and—,”

“You wanted me to leave my mom with my sick dad, and run away with you?” Jean is taken aback by the harsh expression on Eren’s face. He looks betrayed, but Jean doesn’t blame him.

“I messed up, you know I did. But you also know I would have given it all up for you. If I had known about it before, I wouldn’t even had thought about leaving.”

“Don’t blame it on me,” Eren’s fists clench around the sheets. Jean wants to hold his hands and hug him.

“Why didn’t you tell me about your dad earlier?” Jean asks instead.

“I—,” Eren brings his knees to his chest, lets his head fall on them. Jean knows they’re getting closer to the source of the problem, “I didn’t want to scare you away.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Your perfect parents, your perfect life,” Eren admits quietly, more to himself than anything, “your perfect goals. Guess it ended up biting me in the ass, after all.”  
  
Jean is baffled. Suddenly, everything clicks and Jean wants to shake the two of them for being such fools. “Jeez, Eren. Have a bit more faith in me, will you? Are you some tragic hero?”  
  
Eren looks up at Jean, dumbfounded. Jean giggles, moves his body so he’s sitting closer to Eren and drops his head against Eren’s shoulders.

“My perfect goals, they’re meaningless if you’re not there with me. Don’t get me wrong,” Jean caresses Eren’s forearm, “I’m glad I came here to pursue my studies, but I think it would have been way fucking cooler with you by my side. I think I just wanted to get accepted into a fancy school to impress you, really.”

“You don’t have to think about yourself that way,” Jean continues upon the lack of response from Eren, “you’re worth so much more than what you give yourself credit for. I’ve always been the happiest around you, and I don’t think that’ll ever change.”  
  
“Jean—,”

“Even with all your flaws, your annoying remarks and your loud ass, I don’t think I could ever replace all of the thrill I get when I’m with you,” Jean holds one of Eren’s hands. He wants to protect Eren, hide him from the world and assure his happiness. “We can’t take it back anymore, can’t change what’s done. But we can make up for it, for the time lost. I’m willing to try again.”  
  
Jean feels Eren’s tense body begin to relax. He feels like a huge weight has been lifted from his chest and it makes it easier for him to breath. He allows the two of them to get lost in their own thoughts for a bit, taking everything in.

“I don’t want to be apart from you anymore,” Eren’s response is simple, but dripping with longing and apprehension. Jean feels like there’s a mutual, silent agreement between the two of them. They’re tired of losing so much and there’s a lot they have yet to experience together. “I was selfish as well. I wanted you to have a good life, to follow your own dreams, but I also tried to take them away from you.”  
  
“You’re my aspiration,” Jean brings Eren’s hand to his chest and presses it against his skin. He hopes Eren can feel how fast his heart is beating right now.

They finish eating their cereals on bed and get up once it’s time for Eren to go home. Jean proposes to take Eren home which he accepts. Jean watches Eren as he dresses up, a soft smile on his face. Eren notices and flicks him the middle finger, turning around. Jean catches a matching smile on his face.

They’re by the door when Eren abruptly stops.

“I lost my fucking jacket,” Jean’s puzzled expression motivates Eren to elaborate, “probably left it at the bar, last night.”

“Take one of mine. It’ll be just like old times,” Jean teases, taking enjoyment in watching Eren get so worked up. He doesn’t recall Eren wearing a jacket when they got back to his apartment, either. “Wait here.”

Jean goes to his wardrobe to pick a green jacket and is quick to hand it to Eren who happily puts it on. This scene feels particularly familiar to Jean.

“Looks like you’re still too short,” Jean mocks, his voice showing nothing but amusement. He feels so fond, content and affectionate. The two of them link hands as they make their way to Jean’s car.

They arrive at Zeke’s apartment and Eren plants a kiss on Jean’s lips before he leaves the vehicle.  
  
“You have to show me you meant it, earlier.”  
  
“I will,” Jean’s reply comes out a bit shaky, “I promise.” He tries again. They stare at each other for a bit and Eren sighs.

“You better,” Eren closes the gap between the two of them once again, this time kissing the corner of Jean’s mouth. He turns around and walks away without a word. Jean watches as he makes his way down the street. Jean thinks his jacket really does fit Eren a lot.

~ ☾ ~

It’s been one year since their first kiss, and Jean has never been happier. They decided to keep their relationship between the two of them for the time being, but all Jean wants to do is scream how much he loves Eren out loud.

They still argue and disagree about little things but, at the end of the day, they always sit down together and work on their differences, work on learning to respect each other. Jean thinks Eren has never looked happier, sprouting a natural glow. He hopes he’s as good for Eren as Eren is for him.

They become even closer, they go on dates, sneak into each other’s bedrooms at night and lie in bed together, make out for hours. It’s sappy and lame, but Jean wants to hold onto this feeling for the rest of his life.

They talk about the future, too. Jean has always known he wants to leave their small town, experience the world and chase new opportunities. To his surprise, however, his fantasies have started to feature a certain bright eyed idiot. Jean wonders if he could give Eren the life he deserves.

“Are you planning on going to uni?” he asks one afternoon as they’re leaving school. This is their last summer as high schoolers, after all. Jean has started to apply to different music schools.

“There’s not really a place for someone like me,” Eren sounds a bit sad and Jean doesn't really understand what he means. Eren makes Jean’s universe shift, makes him feel alive. In Jean’s eyes, Eren’s absence makes the world meaningless.

Jean wants to argue, knock some sense into Eren’s blockhead but Eren is quick to change the topic, ranting about how he hasn't been able to defeat Annie in their combats for a while.

Jean gets an acceptance letter the following week.

None of them bring the subject up again for the rest of the school year. They focus on exams, graduate together and kiss their worries away. Summer starts, hassle-free.

Jean’s not surprised when Eren calls him at three in the morning, and asks if he has gotten his license yet.  
  
“Where the hell did that come from?” Jean is tired, barely awake but he enjoys every single second he spends on call with Eren.

“Let’s go on a trip,” _that’s sudden_ , Jean thinks but he can’t deny Eren anything. “We can take your dad’s old car. It’s summer, I’m sure your parents won’t mind!” Jean’s completely caught off guard. He wonders if there’s something triggering Eren to act like this, but decides not to push.

“Anyplace but here,” Eren says after Jean asks where he’s planning on taking them. That confirms Jean’s suspicions. Eren’s voice goes soft over the phone. “Don’t you feel stuck in this town?”  
  
It’s rushed, unplanned and maybe a bit crazy on his part, but Jean starts gathering his stuff and packing as soon as the call ends. They plan on going west, towards a beach Eren used to visit with Armin and his family when he was a kid. 

He pulls over at Eren’s and his boyfriend greets him with a huge smooch on the cheek. He throws his bag to the back seat and takes his shoes off, making himself at home in Jean’s old Nissan.

“Ready?” Eren is smiling, proud and bright.

“Born ready,” Jean starts the engine.

The journey takes them two entire days. They listen to music, play games, tell jokes and tease each other, make out every change they get. Jean insists on stopping every few hours to visit the random towns they stumble across and Eren buys some souvenirs for their friends.

They arrive at their destination around midnight. It’s dark, cold and empty but the smile in Eren’s face lights up his entire world. Jean watches Eren run towards the ocean, throwing his shoes aside. _He’s fucking crazy_ , Jean thinks as he steps a bit behind Eren.  
  
“Isn’t the water like, fucking freezing?” Jean’s genuinely concerned for Eren’s sanity until he recognises that familiar, mischievous smile forming on his face. Before he can think of an escape route, he's thrown into the blistering cold tide.

The two of them spend the rest of the night wrapped in blankets, trying to heat up after their earlier quarrel and water fight. They’re cuddled up in the back seat, savouring their McDonald’s takeaway. Jean enjoys his McFlurry, letting himself be absorbed in his own thoughts.

He’s happy, overjoyed and spent from his day with Eren. He knows the clock is ticking, he has to tell Eren the news, ask him to come with him, maybe. But he has set his mind into relishing this trip, he guesses it’s okay to wait a little longer.

Eren catches his attention when he moves to sit on Jean’s lap. He looks up at his boyfriend and falls in love all over again. Eren’s hair is still a bit wet, his cheeks flushed and his fingers dig into Jean’s flesh.

Eren is so unbelievably brave, outstanding, special, unique. He’s fierce, strong, his own champion. Eren’s simple presence always ignites this unfulfillable longing deep inside Jean’s chest. With Eren, Jean feels like he belongs, he feels like he can become someone. Eren’s under his skin.

Eren kisses him heatedly, drags his tongue along Jean’s lips several times. Their blankets fall around the two of them, softening the surface where they’re now lying upon. Jean removes both of their shirts and bites at Eren’s neck.

Eren’s skin feels cold against his and Jean wants to warm him up. He tucks Eren’s long hair behind his ear and trails Eren’s body down with his lips. Right now, they’re alone in the world. Jean thinks Eren looks alluring, fascinating, beautiful, the moonlight sharpening his features as his expression shifts in pleasure.

They wrap themselves in each other’s bodies, their limbs intertwine. Eren kisses Jean’s nose and tells him he’s his kryptonite. Jean is held like he’s the most precious thing in Eren’s world. He’s glad the feeling is mutual.  
  
Jean wakes up in the middle of the night with a serious back pain from falling asleep on the back seat. He looks around and Eren is no where to be found. He gets his jacket from the front seat and leaves the car to look for Eren. He walks down the shore, the night breeze enveloping him.

He walks for a while before he spots a slender figure crouched down. He makes his way to Eren and doesn’t lose the chance to try to surprise and scare Eren. Jean quietly approaches behind Eren and yells a “boo!” right into his ear.

Eren yelps, finches forward and almost falls over. “Holy fuck,” Eren smacks him on the shoulder. “Fuck you.”  
  
“Hm, so straightforward. Eager for round two already?” Jean notices Eren blush and shiver. “You cold?” He takes his jacket off and wraps it around Eren, who instinctively tucks himself in the clothing. Sharing clothes naturally became a habit of theirs, Eren sprouting a fascination with stealing Jean’s jackets. He loves how comfy and soft Eren looks, a satisfied glint in his eyes and a smile twisting in his lips. Jean’s jacket contrasts against the white t-shirt Eren is wearing.

“What’s on that brilliant mind of yours?” Jean asks and Eren scoffs, but they both know there’s no malice in Eren’s voice.

“You,” Eren looks over at Jean, “us, coming here together.” A arrow goes right through Jean’s heart. He searches for Eren’s hand. Jean wants to hug him, make him feel at home, safe and sound. Eren brings their linked hands to his face and plants a kiss on Jean’s knuckles.

“The truth is,” Eren starts, “after the accident last year, my dad… it fucked with his head. He started drinking. Pretty dramatic, uh?” Jean feels his heart break. He blames himself for not noticing, for being so oblivious and uncaring. Eren deserves so much better than him. “I wanted to get away for a bit. So, thank you for coming with me.”

Jean opens his mouth to respond but Eren covers his lips with his palm before he can say anything. It’s a silent agreement between the two of them, they both understand the weight Eren’s words carry. They’re always in sync, their actions, their thoughts, their feelings.

And there’s no way Jean can tell him now. Not when he needs Jean’s comfort and support the most. He puts the conversation on hold for a bit longer, deciding to save it for the end of their trip. Jean wants to allow both of them to enjoy this moment, savour every second they spend in each other’s company. It’s selfish, and it’ll probably worsen the situation but Eren’s happiness is his focus, now.

He offers Eren the consolation he knows works the best, physical. Eren’s lies on his side and drops his head to Jean’s lap and the latter pets his head. They stare at the ocean, at the moon’s reflection. This, right here, feels like home, the two of them against the world. He wants to stay here with Eren, forever. Jean hopes nothing can take this overpowering feeling away from him, but fears he’s going to be the one corrupting it.

The next day, Jean feels fidgety and anxious. Eren kisses Jean in the morning to find Jean doesn’t kiss him back, lost in his own restlessness. Eren knows Jean is struggling and probably overthinking so he reassures the other that he’s _okay_ , he’s _happy_ once, twice, thrice. Jean nods and purses his lips.

They make their way back to their home town, pausing to have a meal at some random drive through in the middle of nowhere. Their conversations are short and bland, and Eren spends most of the trip zoning out with his forehead pressed against the cold glass. Jean holds the wheel tightly, with so much regret and fear. He just wants to turn around and drive back to the beach and forget about their lives, about their problems.

They stop in front of Eren’s house. “You sure you’re okay with being at your parents’ right now? You can stay at my place, if you want.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” Eren stretches his body and grabs his bag and Jean knows he can’t put it on hold anymore. Eren grabs the door handle to leave but Jean stops him, grabbing him by his t-shirt.

“The reason I asked you about university,” Jean inhales. He’s shaking now, “is because I’m leaving, soon.” Jean can pinpoint the exact moment he sees Eren’s heart shatter, his face falling.

“You’re leaving,” Eren spits, incredulous. Jean doesn’t know what to say. “Leaving to go where, Jean?”  
  
“To the city. They offered me a place at this music school,” Jean wants to smash his head against the glass. Eren lets go of the door and sits back once again. He looks Jean dead in the eye.

“What about telling me earlier?” Eren sounds emotionless and Jean knows he’s trying his best not to explode.  
  
“I didn’t know how to bring it up,” Jean confesses, pathetically.

“So your solution is to tell me right after I tell you about my parents?” Eren’s voice is rising, his breathing getting irregular and anger fuelled. Jean looks back and forth between his two eyes.

“I wouldn’t have signed up if I knew,” it’s the truth, but Jean doesn’t expect a positive reaction.  
  
“But you still applied,” Eren’s ears are red, his knuckles turning white. “You were going to leave anyways.”  
  
“You’re not looking at the big picture, Eren,” Jean tries to lower his voice and stop his hands from shaking. “I want you to come with me.”

“I don’t want your fucking pity,” Eren’s eyes are tearing up and Jean’s heart has never felt any heavier. “You’re free to go and be the selfish bastard that you’ve always been. Go live your life. Sorry I made you waste your time.”

“Eren, listen to me,” Jean grabs Eren’s forearm. They’re both shuddering, driven by fury and anguish. Heartbreak. “This isn’t worthless. This is my dream, and I want you with me.”

Eren laughs then, bitter and so resentful. “Fuck you,” Eren pulls his arm without another word. He opens the door, gets out and slams the door. He walks away without looking back. Jean is left there, crushed, agonised, bruised. He won’t ever forget the look of raw disappointment on Eren’s face.

~ ☾ ~

A few days later, as Eren is leaving the charity centre, he gets a call from Jean. The two of them have been exchanging texts nonstop ever since their last meeting. Jean sends Eren random selfies and Eren replies with YouTube videos he finds funny. This is, however, the first time Eren receives a call from the other.

He accepts the call and before he even has the chance to greet Jean, the latter interrupts with solid enthusiasm in his voice. “Where are you, Eren?”

Eren informs Jean he’s leaving the centre, having just finished another class with the kids. He adds that he’s on his way home and questions Jean about the sudden call.

“I’m in front of your place. I have something to ask you,” Eren feels butterflies in his stomach, something he has been feeling a lot these past days, “I hope I don’t scare you away, though.”

“Are you going to go down on your knee and propose to me, Kirstein?”  
  
“Who knows…” Eren bites his lip to stop his goofy smile and focuses on Jean’s voice over the phone, “maybe one day, if you’re so persistent.”

“Be there in a bit,” Eren hangs on Jean and starts walking a bit faster than usual.

Like promised, Jean is right in front of his and Zeke’s building, leaning against his car. He spots Eren and waves.

“Nice car, did your parents buy it for you?” Eren mocks but can’t hide his smile as he strides towards Jean. “What can I help you with?”  
  
“You’ve seen the car before, idiot. And, actually, I bought it myself. You jealous?”

“Did you come all the way here just to show off? I thought we were past that stage, Jean.” Eren leans against the car and pushes his foot against it to annoy Jean.

“Eren,” Jean interrupts, not wanting to beat around the bush, “I told you already, but I want to make things right. Throughout these past years, I kept thinking about what I had lost. But I found you again, and I want to give it another shot.”  
  
“Jean, are you really going to propose?” Eren’s lips twist into a huge, brilliant smile that knocks the air out of Jean’s lungs.  
  
“Don’t ruin the moment, dipshit! I’m serious!” Eren can hear the pout in Jean’s voice. He steps forward and takes Jean’s hands in his, prompting him to continue. “You’ll be the end of me, you know that? I’ve been saying this since we were kids, you’re going to lead me straight into hell one of these days.”  
  
“I thought this conversation was supposed to be flattering—,”  
  
“But, honestly, hell doesn’t sound that bad if I get to be by your side,” Jean pulls Eren against him. Circles his waist with his arms and links his fingers over Eren’s lower back, locking him in place.

“I’ve always been jealous of you,” Jean proceeds. Eren feels like his entire core is melting. He feels like he could die, breathless, at any moment now, “you can achieve anything you set your mind to, no matter what path you choose. I’ve always wanted to be so confident, strong, so fucking cool and be able to believe in myself as well. It pissed me off to no end, but I realised I can believe in myself the most when I’m with you.”  
  
“Jean, fuck,” Eren is intoxicated, thoroughly drunk in Jean’s voice, Jean’s steady glare, Jean’s musky scent. He wants to stay here forever, secure in Jean’s arms.

“So, I know it’s sudden, random, and it’ll probably freak you out a bit. But, what about we go on a road trip? For old times’ sake? Pick it up where we left off?”

Eren has made his choice already. He never had to think about things twice when it came to Jean. But they’re not kids anymore, they can’t just steal their parents’ car and leave like they’re the main characters in a rom-com. “What about your job? Money?”  
  
“We don’t have any concerts planned until Christmas season, and I have some money saved up. I knew it’d come in handy one of these days, so don’t worry about that” Jean pats Eren’s lower back lightly. “This is the least I can do, what I want to do and what I should have done a long time ago. So, what’d you say? We can make a stop to visit Armin and Mikasa as well.”

“Why go so far, thought?”  
  
“Because it’s you, Eren,” Jean means it, with his entire goddamn heart.

“Let me,” Eren feels like he might pass out at any moment now, “go take a quick shower. Stay here.”

Jean does. He’d wait for Eren for an entire decade if he had to. He turns on the radio, rests his head back and enjoys the funky song, pictures a future with Eren by his side.  
  
Eren comes back half an hour later, knocking on Jean’s window to bring him out of his trance. Jean notes he has a bag over his shoulder but doesn’t want to get too hopeful before getting the confirmation from Eren himself.

“Is this goodbye?”  
  
“Let’s ride.”

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: twitter.com/evangeren  
> tumblr: eren-eren-eren.tumblr.com 
> 
> comments & kudos are appreciated <3


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